Programming Languages are Like Women

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.  On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.

 Assembler - A female track star that holds all the world speed records.  She is hard and jarring, and so is not that pleasant to live with her.  She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe.  She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC".  She has a fierce and violent temper that makes her the choice of last resort.

 FORTRAN - Your grandmother.  People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes.  During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries). That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around.  She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made granddad search for another wife.

 COBOL - A plump secretary.  She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored.  She works hard and long hours, but can’t handle really complicated jobs.  She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her.  She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

 BASIC - The divorcee that lives next door. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. 

She is not that young herself, but because she was their first instructor the boys always remember her fondly.  Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant; it's the frolicking that the boys like.  Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman!  But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

 C - A lady executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.  Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper.  Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.

LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.  Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.  Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She can cook

delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people

at each table.  She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her

work down.  Few people can understand her recipes, since they are

in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.